In an earlier post, I covered the basic five steps to successfully using a squat toilet in the developing world. It generated a good number of comments and one of them referred to an advanced technique: “It’s near impossible to not crap on your pants. My advice is to take them off before squatting.”

This is good advice — a well-executed Pantless Squat will allow for a wider stance, better balance, use of both hands, and lower cleaning bills. However, it’s not easy as it sounds and I felt it would be irresponsible not to follow up with some tips for anyone attempting this maneuver.

Sure, it sounds easy: simply remove your pants, do your business, and get on with your life. Please keep in mind however that the floor is most likely wet and filthy. Avoiding contact with either your pants or your bare feet is hard to pull off while balancing on one foot, removing shoes, and clenching your bowels.
A few tips that might help:

1. Never attempt this unless there is a nearby wall, stall door, or sink that you can grab onto. If possible, find a clean corner and back into it — losing your balance will simply result in your shoulders or back touching the wall. This is perfectly acceptable compared to the alternative: landing on the cold, wet floor with your bare ass.

2. Sandals or flip-flops are the footwear of choice. Boots are hard to get in and out of and — at the very least — will result in wet laces that will have to be handled later. Wet socks and cursing are also very likely.

3. Once you have successfully removed your pants, you’re probably feeling pretty smug. This is when you are mostly likely to drop them entirely, or to empty the contents of your pockets onto the floor and/or toilet. Carefully roll your pants, sealing the pockets shut, and place the roll in the sink until you’ve finished.

Keep these points in mind, move slowly, and you’re well on your way to a successful Pantless Squat. Best of Luck!

Have any tips of your own? Let’s hear ‘em!

The squat toilet isn’t really a toilet, as we in the West understand the word. The “squat” portion of the name is accurate, but the “toilet” is really just a hole in the floor into which you poop, then pour in some water as a chaser. I believe they call it a toilet because “poop hole” was already trademarked. Drawing upon my experiences traveling through India, I’d like to share with you my hard-won tips and tricks for doing your business in the developing world.

Now, few people know this but the squat toilet was invented by an early side-branch of humans who had a third eye in their butt. That’s the only explanation I can think of, at least. No amount of twisting and turning is going to give you an accurate idea of where things will end up and whether or not you’ll have to buy new shoes. Fancier toilets have small footpads that at least provide a starting point for a successful drop. These are designed with people of a smaller stature in mind and given the natural variance of leg lengths and body types (and factoring in the Doppler Effect), it’s pretty much a crap shoot. Yes, I went there.

But fear not! Follow these 5 easy steps and you’ll soon be pooping like a native.

Step 1: Steeling Yourself

If you’re like most Westerners, you’re feeling pretty apprehensive at this point and would rather just avoid the whole situation. If so, simply say this to yourself as many times as needed: “I’m thousands of miles from home and I’m about to shit my pants.” Now, say it one more time just to gain a sense of urgency. Console yourself with the fact that no one knows you here — if they do, they’re probably waiting for you to hurry up so they can have their turn.

Step 2: Getting in Position

With your toilet paper nearby (bring your own), drop your drawers, straddle the toilet, and assume a position as if you were about to launch yourself off a ski jump. I’ve found that making “vroom vroom” noises at this point tends to get things moving along, but maybe that’s just me. I’ve also found that reaching down with one hand and pulling your twisted pants and undies up and forward lessens the chances of “surprises”, as well as keeps them from touching the ground (which will be disgusting). The other arm should be kept free for wiping and for flailing about when you lose your balance.

Step 3: Praying

This part is easy: say a few words to the deity of your choice and let nature take it’s course.

Step 4: Wiping

There is quite a bit of debate about what to do at this point. Squat plumbing is generally gravity-fed and toilet paper tends to clog things up. If you insist on depositing your paper in the toilet, the entire hotel staff will hate you and will certainly do ugly things to your food and drink. Hence the phrase “Never shit where you eat.”

Bonus Tip: Due to the fact that squats are gravity-fed, your poop will sometimes hang around for a bit. Please be considerate of your fellow travelers and avoid eating cork or balsa wood.

If you choose not to flush (ha!) your paper, deposit it in the trash can which is often nowhere to be found. If there is a trash can, it will most likely be placed behind you and well out of arm’s reach. Moving the trash can before you started would have been a great idea.

Step 5: All Over but the Crying

That’s it! You’re done. If everything went well, I recommend buttoning up, washing your hands until they bleed, and walking out with your head held high. If it didn’t go well, run straight to your room, take a shower, and change pants.