I’m Being Stalked!

26 comments

I'm Being Stalked!

This is a true story. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that’s developed over the last six months or so — when I wake up in the morning, my room often stinks. It smells of really horrible farts, to be specific. So, after giving it considerable thought and working through all of the angles, I’ve come to the only sensible explanation: I’m being stalked by a Fart Ninja.

Now, you’ll have to give me a moment to explain my logic on this but once I’m finished, I’m pretty sure you’ll agree with me.

First of all: I only fart for comedic purposes, so it’s obviously not me creating the problem. And when I do, said wind tends to be rose-scented, so I think we can safely scratch me off the suspect list.

This has been happening for awhile and it has followed me from Central America to Texas and now to Southeast Asia — someone is stalking me, sneaking into my room as I sleep and stinking up the joint.

Now, this has to be a guy — I’m not trying to be a misogynist here but every woman I’ve ever met swears that she never passes gas. This comment is usually followed by a huge honking blast and a giggle.

Since it can’t be me and I’ve never managed to catch the perpetrator in the act, I’ve applied the logic of Occam’s Razor (now with four blades and a lubricating strip!) and have come to the only obvious conclusion: I’m the target of a Fart Ninja.

I’ve tried everything I can think of to catch him, including sleeping with one increasingly-watery eye open. My elaborate Rube Goldberg trap with a paint can full of sand swinging from a rope hit me right in the balls the first morning. I considered scattering broken glass around the door but then remembered that I get up in the middle of the night to pee.

He probably has some Teflon-coated, carbon-fiber yak-leather ninja shoes anyways. The bastard.

So for now I suffer and wait and watch.

But I will catch you, Fart Ninja. And when I do, we will dance.

{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }

Kelly November 8, 2013 at 8:16 pm

The Fart Ninja may go away if you drink a glass of warm water with fresh squeezed lime before bed. It changes the ph in your gut and the Fart Ninja may not be as interested in stalking you.

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Mike (Nomadic Texan) November 8, 2013 at 8:49 pm

Wes,
I always subscribe to agua con gas and it usually sheds my excess gas. With it I escape the Fart Ninja most of the time. Not sure if its available where you are now though. Safe travels and maybe you could buy a clothespin or a mask that is worn in Asian countries to stave off disease. Not really sure if it would work with violent odors! Peace and good luck!
Mike
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Susan November 8, 2013 at 10:37 pm

Once I farted in my sleep and the smell was so bad it woke me up. Of course, I blamed the dog.

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Oleron November 9, 2013 at 5:43 pm

Shame on you, Susan! Poor mutt probably had a hang-dog look and took the blame. Dogs are faithful like that.

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Frank November 9, 2013 at 4:22 pm

Maybe a shower would help ;-)

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Oleron November 9, 2013 at 5:39 pm

An unimaginable number of years ago, I made onion soup to die for. Then Ex and I spent several days not being able to be in the same room with each other — which was difficult in a studio apartment. You might try probiotics, or plain yogurt. However, I still have the very easy recipe for that soup if you want to drive even the Ninja away.

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Gabriel November 10, 2013 at 12:37 am

lmao, there’s a fart ninja that live in our house too. It may be one of the dogs though =P
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Raj Kumar Jonnal November 18, 2013 at 8:01 pm

A nice topic shared, as rarely people like to discuss such things.

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Rob | Amboseli Safaris Tours November 19, 2013 at 6:06 pm

Fart Ninjas!!!! That cracked me up badly.

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Erin November 22, 2013 at 2:44 am

My stomach hurts from laughing (or gas). SO glad I stumbled upon this blog today. I shall be the one stalking you from now on. *slips into “Teflon-coated, carbon-fiber yak-leather ninja shoes” and moves on*
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Frank November 22, 2013 at 6:06 am

Sorry to tell you gets worse with age and the mix of Latin/Thai food probably screwing with you. Let’s all be honest though – we all like the smell of our own farts. It’s only when somebody else does it that it’s gross ;)
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wes November 22, 2013 at 7:02 am

Blog comments need a “Like” button :/

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Ryan November 23, 2013 at 11:19 pm

Seems like the fart Ninja secretly lies within. With great gastro power comes great stench. I’m haunted by the same Ninja myself, but I’ve found out he was the quite large male sleeping across the dorm. The one who has his belly button showing with every t-shirt. Beverly hills fart ninja…
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Hannah November 27, 2013 at 3:29 pm

Fart ninja? Seriously. LOL. That be a terrible thing though. Maybe its what you are eating when traveling.
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wes November 28, 2013 at 9:37 am

Hey, what part of “cannot be my fault” don’t you get? ;)

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Rashad Pharaon December 9, 2013 at 12:05 pm

Hilarious! I’d like to recommend some alkaline water (ninjas hate high pH) and maybe some antibiotics for “traveler’s diarrhea”? (Not for you of course. Definitely not for you.)
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Contented Traveller December 31, 2013 at 1:11 pm

Ok, it is my husband. He is the Fart Ninja – I will give you his address and you can catch him and do with him what you will
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Contented Traveller December 31, 2013 at 1:45 pm

Th Fart Ninja is my husband. I can give you his address and you can come and get him. Thank you.
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Paul January 9, 2014 at 9:52 am

Great posts! You’re quite the accomplished writer.
There has been a song about this particular topic:
http://www.metrolyrics.com/the-ninjas-lyrics-barenaked-ladies.html
‘something was strange in the air’
‘deadly and silent’
A little subtle but you get the picture.

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dubai buggy safari January 18, 2014 at 6:33 pm

very nice topic you shared

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Christopher Crouzet January 20, 2014 at 10:31 am

I think that I’ve had a scout following me during my first days in Guatemala. But then, they seem to have sent a properly experienced fart ninja after me. I say “they” because they’re probably a vast organisation, beware people!
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Tana B January 24, 2014 at 12:09 am

HAHAHA, great article. Never read anything quite like this in a travel blog and it was hilarious!! My boyfriend has a fart ninja stalking him too (and no it’s not me, remember, girls don’t fart).
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Elaine January 31, 2014 at 8:41 pm

The butler/cleaning lady/hostel cat did it!

…. or it could be you :)
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wes February 1, 2014 at 3:02 am

It’s not me! ;)

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Wendy J Cannarile May 23, 2014 at 10:16 pm

Hilarious! All you needed was some Lynyrd Skynyrd in the background playing “ohhhhhhhhh that smell”. lol
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rebecca August 28, 2014 at 11:53 am

lol @ girls never fart! – so true.. obviously!
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