I’m Being Stalked!


I'm Being Stalked!

This is a true story. I’ve noticed a disturbing trend that’s developed over the last six months or so — when I wake up in the morning, my room often stinks. It smells of really horrible farts, to be specific. So, after giving it considerable thought and working through all of the angles, I’ve come to the only sensible explanation: I’m being stalked by a Fart Ninja.

Now, you’ll have to give me a moment to explain my logic on this but once I’m finished, I’m pretty sure you’ll agree with me.

First of all: I only fart for comedic purposes, so it’s obviously not me creating the problem. And when I do, said wind tends to be rose-scented, so I think we can safely scratch me off the suspect list.

This has been happening for awhile and it has followed me from Central America to Texas and now to Southeast Asia — someone is stalking me, sneaking into my room as I sleep and stinking up the joint.

Now, this has to be a guy — I’m not trying to be a misogynist here but every woman I’ve ever met swears that she never passes gas. This comment is usually followed by a huge honking blast and a giggle.

Since it can’t be me and I’ve never managed to catch the perpetrator in the act, I’ve applied the logic of Occam’s Razor (now with four blades and a lubricating strip!) and have come to the only obvious conclusion: I’m the target of a Fart Ninja.

I’ve tried everything I can think of to catch him, including sleeping with one increasingly-watery eye open. My elaborate Rube Goldberg trap with a paint can full of sand swinging from a rope hit me right in the balls the first morning. I considered scattering broken glass around the door but then remembered that I get up in the middle of the night to pee.

He probably has some Teflon-coated, carbon-fiber yak-leather ninja shoes anyways. The bastard.

So for now I suffer and wait and watch.

But I will catch you, Fart Ninja. And when I do, we will dance.

23 comments on “I’m Being Stalked!

  1. The Fart Ninja may go away if you drink a glass of warm water with fresh squeezed lime before bed. It changes the ph in your gut and the Fart Ninja may not be as interested in stalking you.

  2. Wes,
    I always subscribe to agua con gas and it usually sheds my excess gas. With it I escape the Fart Ninja most of the time. Not sure if its available where you are now though. Safe travels and maybe you could buy a clothespin or a mask that is worn in Asian countries to stave off disease. Not really sure if it would work with violent odors! Peace and good luck!
    Mike (Nomadic Texan) recently posted..Article #7, in the Series, Palestine Texas #101, “Red Fire Grille”My Profile

  3. Once I farted in my sleep and the smell was so bad it woke me up. Of course, I blamed the dog.

  4. Maybe a shower would help ;-)

  5. An unimaginable number of years ago, I made onion soup to die for. Then Ex and I spent several days not being able to be in the same room with each other — which was difficult in a studio apartment. You might try probiotics, or plain yogurt. However, I still have the very easy recipe for that soup if you want to drive even the Ninja away.

  6. lmao, there’s a fart ninja that live in our house too. It may be one of the dogs though =P
    Gabriel recently posted..10 life lessons learned from surfing – Episode 8 – DisciplineMy Profile

  7. A nice topic shared, as rarely people like to discuss such things.

  8. Fart Ninjas!!!! That cracked me up badly.

  9. My stomach hurts from laughing (or gas). SO glad I stumbled upon this blog today. I shall be the one stalking you from now on. *slips into “Teflon-coated, carbon-fiber yak-leather ninja shoes” and moves on*
    Erin recently posted..Our very first blog post: Zen and the Art of Propane Sculpture!My Profile

  10. Sorry to tell you gets worse with age and the mix of Latin/Thai food probably screwing with you. Let’s all be honest though – we all like the smell of our own farts. It’s only when somebody else does it that it’s gross ;)
    Frank recently posted..What to see and do along the Garden Route and Little Karoo, South AfricaMy Profile

  11. Seems like the fart Ninja secretly lies within. With great gastro power comes great stench. I’m haunted by the same Ninja myself, but I’ve found out he was the quite large male sleeping across the dorm. The one who has his belly button showing with every t-shirt. Beverly hills fart ninja…
    Ryan recently posted..Gnarly Train Adventure Day 3: Seeing ClearlyMy Profile

  12. Fart ninja? Seriously. LOL. That be a terrible thing though. Maybe its what you are eating when traveling.
    Hannah recently posted..Kiwi Krawl Day 6 – GlenorchyMy Profile

  13. Hilarious! I’d like to recommend some alkaline water (ninjas hate high pH) and maybe some antibiotics for “traveler’s diarrhea”? (Not for you of course. Definitely not for you.)
    Rashad Pharaon recently posted..6 Cities Where Digital Nomads Live On The CheapMy Profile

  14. Th Fart Ninja is my husband. I can give you his address and you can come and get him. Thank you.
    Contented Traveller recently posted..2013 – It was the best of times and the worst of times.My Profile

  15. Great posts! You’re quite the accomplished writer.
    There has been a song about this particular topic:
    ‘something was strange in the air’
    ‘deadly and silent’
    A little subtle but you get the picture.

  16. very nice topic you shared

  17. I think that I’ve had a scout following me during my first days in Guatemala. But then, they seem to have sent a properly experienced fart ninja after me. I say “they” because they’re probably a vast organisation, beware people!
    Christopher Crouzet recently posted..Eating Like a Local in Antigua, GuatemalaMy Profile

  18. HAHAHA, great article. Never read anything quite like this in a travel blog and it was hilarious!! My boyfriend has a fart ninja stalking him too (and no it’s not me, remember, girls don’t fart).
    Tana B recently posted..The Ancient Mayan Ruins of Izapa, MexicoMy Profile

  19. The butler/cleaning lady/hostel cat did it!

    …. or it could be you :)
    Elaine recently posted..Top Destinations In OlindaMy Profile

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